Emma modeling the shirt I made her (from a pillow case dress pattern) and concentrating so hard on trying to crawl. I love the focused look on her face!
I never imagined that I would be a stay-at-home mom. I didn’t want my house to be a prison. I wanted it to be a warm home. I didn’t think I would have fun as a mom. I figured it would be work. I didn’t think I could be intellectually stimulated if I stayed at home. I thought I would miss that daily interaction with my students. I assumed that being a stay-at-home mom would take away all of my independence and that I wasn’t a strong woman if I had to depend monetarily on Mark.
Now that I’ve been home with Emma for almost nine months, I have to say, I love getting to be home with her more than I ever imagined. I love getting to teach her new things, reinforce old lessons, and watch the light bulbs illuminate as she learns something new. The teacher in me is having fun watching her curious nature as she learns to crawl and explore her home. Watching her can be as (or more) entertaining as watching anything on TV.
While I love, love, love being home with her, I do feel like a huge piece of missing by not teaching. Teaching online is OK…it brings in the tiniest bit of cash and more importantly, it gives me active employment on my resume. I’ve also learned that while I get paid very little, I get free classes at Regis for teaching there, so I’m going to work on yet another master’s degree…this time in instructional technology. I’m hoping that taking classes (which I need to do to renew my teaching certificate) will help fulfill some of that intellectual stimulation that I miss. Still, none of it is is the same as having students hang out in my campus ministry office, listening to laffy taffy jokes, and changing people’s lives.
I must admit, however, I have enjoyed doing things like sewing lessons and cake lessons…it’s been a fun and more creative type of learning that I have really enjoyed, and I know that I would never have done it had I been working full-time.
I have been continually applying for full-time jobs, but Texas seems to be some sort of abyss for me. I can’t get a call back on anything since I have lived here. I had those interested schools before we got here, but as soon as I admitted to them I was pregnant, they were not interested in me anymore. I have applied for university jobs, high school teaching jobs, social service programs that work with students….nothing. Not one interview. I had one interview request for teaching a writing class at The Culinary Institute of America, but the class was in the afternoon so I had to turn the interview down. When we lived in Wyoming, Missouri, or Maryland, I had no problems getting interviews and job offers. It is so frustrating.
A huge part of me worries about being able to afford Catholic education for Emma and our future kids if I don’t start working again. We can live off Mark’s salary, but we eat out less, are going to cut back on our traveling, and have to really pay attention to where each penny goes. I feel like the longer I am not working, the more challenging it will be to get hired again.
Staying home is an honor and something I definitely cherish, but it definitely doesn’t make me complete. My heart is still torn. I felt torn like this when Mark was in Iraq. I loved living in St. Louis. I just didn’t feel complete since Mark was gone. Now, I am torn again. I LOVE getting to be home and teaching Emma…but I just don’t feel complete if I’m not getting that classroom ready in August. I guess I never knew that my heart could be divided into so many pieces. Hopefully, one day I’ll feel like I’m not missing something I really love.
