I’m not sure if I should be putting this post out there, but well here it is.
I’ve been part of a MOMS group now for a year, with the hoping of socializing Emma and possibly getting a friend or two for me. In the last month, our playgroup has split up, and I feel like all of my potential friends are in the other group. That’s where the other military spouses are…the ones who really get my life these days. The ones who get waiting for board results and hoping for promotions for your spouse. The ones who are used to moving every few years and know the anticipation of waiting to find out where you go next. The ones who know the battles with Tricare doctors. The ones who get the life I lead now.
I get why the playgroup was split up. Ideally, it makes sense. Smaller groups ensures that a closer bond can be made. What stinks though is I’m leaving in less than a year. And I suck at making friends. I have had periods in my life when it wasn’t always this way, but it’s reality now. I feel like I’m the new kid again at Our Lady of Lourdes trying to figure who will be friends with the stranger who’s not from town. AGAIN. I hated going through this 25 years ago when I was 10. Here I am feeling the same way again, but now I’m an adult. Now I know what I am looking for in a friend. And I can’t find it.
I’ve seen articles about couples dating each other. It’s so true. I know Mark misses the kind of friendships he had with Larry, Rob, and Chris. I know I miss my friendships with Diane, Leah, Sara, Erin, Brian, John, Brandon, and Ryan the most. But the reality that worries me these days is even if we were in St. Louis, would we all be friends the way I hope? Would our friends come over to watch a Cardinals game or to watch a favorite show like the Newsroom? Would we go to the Botanical Garden in the summer for jazz in the park? Would we go to concerts at the Pageant? I don’t know. Being married and having kids changes the dynamics of everything.
I love having a house big enough to entertain, but we rarely do it. Who do we invite? Who wants to be our friends? When did we spiral back in time? Why do we have to go through this again? Wasn’t it miserable enough the first time trying to find those real friends? As an Air Force family, we to do it again and again. The only saving grace is we actually know people in the places we are hoping to move.
I think that was the hard thing about here. We are not with other Huey pilots. We don’t have that built in community of a squadron where people know each other. We’re solo. And I haven’t worked full-time, so we have been strapped for money. I met great people working at OLLU, but those friendships never really left work. We were so tired. So defeated. It was a grueling year, one of which so many say was the worst. Well, it beat me. I was done with that place.
So here we are in our third year in San Antonio, and I am friendless. It’s not totally surprising, though. have never been one that had A LOT of friends. (I know college friends may disagree. SLU was a magical place for me. I have never felt more at home anywhere. I gained and lost a lot of friends in my years going to school there and working there. I knew a lot of people for sure, and Facebook has allowed me to keep up with them. I’m networked well, but I don’t know how well I did on gaining life-long friends.)
I’m not really sure why I’ve had so much trouble. I wonder if I bounce back between being an introvert and extrovert. I was definitely an extrovert in my early years, but being in three schools in 14 months during third and fourth grade changed me. My first best friend was Sandra from kindergarten at Highcroft. I don’t really remember having a “best” friend at Ascension, but I remember a lot of the girls there, and Cori and I were pen pals through high school. In Washington, I always felt like an outsider. When we moved there, the town was so small, and I felt like everyone was related and that those of us who weren’t from there stuck out. I hung out a lot with Linette, Kim, and Beth in grade school, and friends changed in high school. Linette was still around at the beginning, but as I found my place in theatre, I started forming friendships with Julie, Sarah, Becky, Paul, Brett, and Adam. I spent a lot of time with Julie and Brett. When I look back at my friendships from K-11 (not 12 for me since I didn’t have a senior year), I realize those friends from the end of high school were the friends I truly had more in common with. We had similar interests and were able to keep up mentally with each other.
College friends came easily to me. I was so involved. There were so many people I had common goals with. Making friends in my twenties was easier, too. Now the challenge is keeping those friendships alive. Staying in touch with people is much, much harder. I get so busy with all of my stuff…moving every few years, trying to get pregnant, now Emma, trying to get my degree, trying to be a family. I don’t get to see or talk to the people who I consider friends anymore. I’m not sure how to find time.
What’s even worse is somewhere along the line I stopped being the really outgoing extroverted Teresa, so now it’s harder for me to find friends now that I am not working. I’ve tried moms groups and playgroups. They all feel like really awkward dates. I haven’t met that Sandra, Linette, Julie, Sarah, Becky, Janelle, Diane, Kristi, Sara, Erin, Stacia, or Leah that I know I can do whatever with. I don’t even have those wiser friends from teaching and CM to go to for advice. I don’t have the guy friends either—the John, Brandon, and Ryan. I miss it—all of it. I hope that when we finally get home to St. Louis I’ll be able to repair and pick up on some of those old friendships.
Next assignment—wherever we end up—my goal is to stop hiding at home and really truly find friends. They may be at work. They may be from Church. I may have to create the circumstance to find them. I just need to learn how to be the old Teresa again. I don’t want to be the girl who can’t say “no” when people ask me to do stuff, but I want to be more involved. I just need to do more to find the people like me and like Mark.
Air Force life is hard. There is no doubt about it. I am not sure I would have found the friends I was looking for here. Texas seems different to me. And I’m not really sure why. I’m so ready to start over. I want to know where we are living and figure out how to get involved and to make friends again for all of us.
